Today is a day that to many is just another day, to some of us though it is much more than that. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This day is meant to provide support, education, and awareness of those going though the pain of losing a child, whether that be by miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or their little one was taken by something else.
After Jack was a year we started to talk about trying to have another baby and September 2013 our journey began. We were blessed to be able to get pregnant in October and I was so excited. I told my family right away. I started thinking of names, imagining if it was a boy or girl. We were so excited to be able to bring a sibling to my son. For nine weeks it was pregnancy bliss. When I was almost 10 weeks I noticed a little bit of spotting. My husband had just started a new job so we were in between insurances. I was trying to wait until January to go to my doctor but decided as soon as I saw a little spotting I would go in. It was Friday the 13th 2013. I remember getting in the shower and praying. Praying that my sweet unborn child would be okay. Pleading with God that he would allow this baby to be healthy. I would love and take care of this baby. As I was praying an overwhelming feeling came over me. I can't explain it other than I just knew that my baby was not okay. I remember sitting down and the shower water running over me and I cried alone knowing something was wrong. I tried to push the feeling from me. I had two sisters who both spotted during pregnancy and had two healthy babies. I can remember this day as if it was yesterday. I was nervous going to the doctor and when I got there she couldn't find a heartbeat. So then I went and had an ultra sound done to check everything. We could see the baby but there was no blood flow and no heart beat. I was so crushed. Looking back I know I was a mess crying the whole time. I didn't know what to think or what to do. Nothing can prepare you for that. I know that everyone handles it different but to me this was and has been one of the hardest things of my life. I remember before we started trying to have kids talking to my husband about miscarriage and him saying if it happens we will get though it. What we didn't know was that is pretty much all you can do, push your way though it. It went from being one of the happiest times in my life to one of the darkest. There was literally nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better. I remember feeling so alone. There was still the longing to grow our family though. We were told that at this time to just continue doing what we were doing. That my body would heal and hopefully I would be back with a viable pregnancy in six months. People try so hard to say something sweet to make you feel better, but it is impossible and sometimes made me so annoyed. All I wanted to hear was I'm sorry, anything else was to much at the time. People try to give you a reason, God needed your child for an angel, it's not the right time, something was probably wrong with the pregnancy, whatever you say just say sorry. I didn't need someone else's idea of why I had a miscarriage. I know and understand why miscarriages happen it doesn't make me feel any better. I had about two or three weeks of complete sadness trying to put on a happy face though Christmas and family gatherings. Trying to be strong, but inside I seriously felt like I had broken into a million pieces. My husband tried to be sweet telling me everything would be okay. But to me nothing seemed to be okay. Every hope and dream that I had had for my unborn child was gone. There was no baby to feel moving inside me in six more weeks. There was no sibling for my son. There would be no looking forward to birthdays, school, or weddings. Every hope and desire for this little one that I already loved so much and was so excited to welcome into the world and into our family was gone. Slowly I was able to accept what had happened and decided we would continue to try for another baby. We still wanted to have another child. And I honestly thought maybe that would bring that little joy back in my life. We tried for another five months and I got a positive on a pregnancy test in May. I once again was so happy although this time I was also scared. Sadly this time we had an early miscarriage, it was a chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that something goes wrong before they can see anything on the ultra sound). I remember feeling so confused. I didn't understand what was going on. I went to the doctor again. She told me to keep trying, chemical pregnancy is very common and not to start worrying yet. She said that hopefully within the next 6 months I would be back with a viable pregnancy. Although it did make me feel better that she wasn't worried I still felt sad and didn't understand why this was happening to me.
It has been a little over a year now since we started trying last year, and sadly we still aren't pregnant. I still have bad days that I cry because my baby should be three months old or I could be 25 weeks pregnant, but instead I just feel an empty whole that I so badly want to fill with a child. Through this year though I have learned so much. I have learned to rely upon my Heavenly Father even more. That Christ knows the pain that I feel and that he is there to help me. I have also had to rely upon my husband more. We have always had a good relationship but going though this has made me have to let him in on my emotions and feelings to an extant I never had to before. His kind words and long hugs feel like a protections from all of the other feeling that sometimes come. I have become even more grateful for my son. Everyday with him I see as a blessing. I look at his milestones more and tell him I love him all of the time. I don't know where I would be without my son. On the days I didn't want to get up he gave me a reason to. There is no love like a mother's love. There has been sadness in the last year but we have also had many blessings and I don't want to focus only on the negative. I have come to a good place through this all. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me. I don't want to get pregnant to replace a pregnancy, or to find happiness in another child. I have mourned the loss of pregnancies and believe that God will make everything right in this life or the next that I will be able to raise my children. I still want my family to continue to grow and I am excited for that day to come, but until that day does come I am choosing to be happy and look at all of the good in my life. Everyone has different trials in life, some that we bring upon ourselves, some that God allows to happen, and some may even be God testing us. Whatever trial I am going through if it is miscarriage or not getting pregnant, or something else entirely I don't want to be so consumed in my problems that I am unable to be the mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter that I need to be.
I haven't written this to tell you that I have had the worst year of my life, because in many ways it has also been the best year of my life. I have written this to say this is Real. There are many woman going though this same pain. They feel lost and confused. I am writing this to say educate yourself and know how to talk to these people in your lives that you love to help them through this time. It can be hard for these woman to see others pregnant and other people having babies the same month that their baby was due. It's not a sadness that only last for a few weeks. We aren't crazy and we don't want people to not be able to have kids until we can. I know that I am genuinely happy for everyone in my life who has been pregnant or who is pregnant with a healthy pregnancy. I wouldn't wish any kind of infant loss upon my worst enemy. But it can be hard to be surrounded by pregnant woman knowing that your child isn't here. It can be hard to hear people complain of aching backs when you would give anything for that back ache. Compared to the heart ache many women feel they would gladly take bed rest or swollen feet. Everyone is different and handles situations differently be aware of this. Let your loved ones feel of your love for them. Today call that friend, ask how they are doing. Send them a text telling them you are thinking of them. Sometimes you need to talk about what has happened so it doesn't seem like something your carrying alone. And don't forget that their husbands are going through this too. Yes it is different but they are along for the crazy ride. I hope that every October 15th you can remember that today for many women is a day that they are thinking about the child they should have had and it can be a hard day, but a day that shouldn't be forgotten. My child was real, although I am unable to hold my baby or kiss it goodnight I know that for a time it was growing in me and I loved that baby even before then. I still love my sweet angel baby. And today I am happy to know that all across the world women are remembering their angel babies and thinking how much they love and miss them. We are United, be United with us.
